The Power of Prayer

So I'm reading this book. It's called Prayer by Phillip Yancey. Awesome book, changing my life, at least I hope it will change my life beyond the last page. Obviously the book is all about prayer. It's about how to pray, why to pray, what to pray about, and a plethora of other questions surrounding prayer. Prayer has always been an elusive part of my christian walk. It seems like for most of my life, while i can be doing things right and living according to what i believe is God's plan prayer doesn't often play a significant role. Weird right, because if i was truly doing everything right prayer would be at the forefront of what was spurring me on to follow the path set before me. But for me prayer has always seemed like a glorified way of talking to myself. I was never more aware of God's invisibility than when I was in prayer. He always seemed so far away and distant and busy with you know solving the problem of hunger and disease and war, why should he care about the fight I had with my mom or my inability to pick a career? But this book is giving me a whole different perspective, it's helping me see that because God is so infinite and so great beyond what we could ever imagine, he has a the ability to meet us exactly where we're at. He is able to care and listen to everyone of our sorrows, our joys, our anxieties simply because he's omniscient. How amazing is that, because of God's seemingly elusiveness he hears every cry and sees every tear. It's not elusiveness it's greatness, it's powerfulness. It's because I can't understand God that I get frustrated with him. I want things to happen on my terms, on my timetable and when that doesn't happen I blame it on an absent God. I realize this just brings to the surface my selfishness, but it's because of that self-involvement that I need God's grace and I need his hand in my life, because I so easily give into fleshly desires and fall prey to the human condition.

Secondly, I was always of the persuasion that because God knows everything that's going to happen, then prayer inevitably does nothing to change his mind but changes the prayer. While there is merit to this belief, it's only half true. I do believe pray changes the person, it develops perseverance, discipline, a quiet spirit and a multitude of other admirable attributes, not to mention it opens the gates of communication with a loving, righteous, just God. But is it idealistic to say that prayer does more than that? If you look throughout the Bible prayer does have the ability to change things. Moses prayed for God not destroy his people even after God had promised to do so and Moses was able to change the mind of God. The people of Ninevah prayed for repentance and God granted it to them even after he vowed to destroy to it. Once again how incredible is that? We have the ability through faith and petition to change the heart and mind of God, God the creator, God the redeemer, God the ever present help in time of need, we can change that very same God. God desires so much to have a relationship with us that he allows us to communicate, even argue with him and he allows his heart to be changed because of our faith.

This leads me to our last point. Our relationship with God. It's an actual real relationship, that takes work and time and involves frustration and fighting and making up. God, though he is powerful enough to control this entire universe with a word, he chooses not to. He allows us, in all our flawed, screwed up, evil tendencies to partner with him. Yes prayer works to bring about change and justice and all that good stuff, but it in no way cancels out our responsibility to work towards those ends. God desires that we do his work to bring about his kingdom and not simply sit up in our ivory towers praying for change. He gives us the means and abilities and talents to love mercy, seek justice. God allows us to walk with him hand in hand as we fumble and attempt to see his kingdom realized on this earth.

So for the time being I will pray fervently, with faith that my prayers will be answered, and rest in his assurance if the answer is no and I will walk with God in this world as we attempt to show all people his love and mercy.

New Year, New Goals

So since it's the new year, i feel like i should write about resolutions and things that will be different in 2010. First off, I want to say that i don't believe in new years resolutions. I don't see the point in waiting until a specific day to start living or doing things differently. I think if you really want to change and improve then you should start the moment you realize the err of your ways. New Years resolutions are for lazy people who just want an excuse to put things off. Also, they hardly ever work, like 90% of the people who make new years resolutions quit or fail before January is over.
With that said, I'm going to tell you about my counter to new years resolutions. I don't have resolutions, I have goals. Things I hope to accomplish in 2010. While to you it may be semantics, to me they are things that I believe will make 2010 unique and full of doing and less about making excuses.
So my first and what should be my most important goal, yet I've done nothing to realize it is to SEEK GOD, to develop my relationship with him and for Him to be my priority in everything I do. I plan on doing this by getting involved in church, starting some kind of devotional and hopefully out of those things I will develop a thirst for prayer and conversation with him.
My next goal is to find my passion. This is about a career, I need to find an occupation that i enjoy and that also pays the bills. So I'm attempting to discern God's will, while actively researching potential career paths. This has actually been kind of fun and I feel like I've made some progress, but i'll let you know in a couple of months.
My third goal is to train for a 1/2 marathon. This is a lofty goal for me. I hate to run and working out isn't exactly fun for me. But if i can run a simple 1/2 marathon if will prove to myself that I can finish and follow through on something and it will test my willpower, hopefully making me a better, less flaky person.
The next thing I hope to accomplish in 2010 is to build and deepen new and existing relationships, because I don't really have a stable place where I can call home, this one is difficult for me. It's hard being a good friend to someone when you thousands of miles apart. Also, because of the location I'm at now, finding people my age who are normal is a little more challenging. But I'm not one to shy away from a challenge so I will make more of an effort this year to be a better friend and to reach out to the people about me.
My last goal is to learn a musical instrument. This is something i have wanted to do for awhile. So i'm tired of making excuses and I'm just going to do it. I think i'll start by relearing the piano. I don't have to buy one because my parents have one, so I'll just practice when i'm home.
So that's about it for now. Check with me in a couple of months and see if I've accomplished or in the process of accomplishing any of these. I hope this year will be different and more successful than years past. I'm going to make a conscious effort not to give up and to work at becoming a better, more committed me.

The Desert

So there's this quote, "life is not measure by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Today (actually a couple days ago but today sounds better and makes it seem like i'm on top of things) I had one such moment. I was driving, on I-15 between Barstow and Victorville. For those of you who are not familiar with these two places they are smack dab in the middle of the desert, only miles away from Death Valley a place with the hottest recorded temperature in North America. It's also a few minutes away from Fort Irwin where soldiers come to train because the weather conditions here are more severe than they will be in Iraq and Afghanistan. The only reason someone would venture onto this part of I-15 is to get from Los Angeles to Vegas or vice verse. So needless to say there isn't much to see. But today I allowed myself to just drive and take in the sites around me. And for the first time I noticed the beauty and uniqueness of the desert.
Let me start off my saying, I'm not a desert person. I like the beach, the rainforest, cities, most other landscapes, but when people say the desert is beautiful I fail to make the connection between dry, heat, sandy, cacti, and beautiful. These things do not seem synonymous to me. But today for the first time I finally understood. There is something truly magnificent about seeing the desert surround you for miles and miles on all sides. It's a place that is unlike any other. The animals and plants that are able to survive in these places are truly a symbol of the miraculous, a sign to those that lack faith (me among them) that there must be a creative, magnificent God that commanded this all into being. The desert is a place that even Bear Grylls has a difficult time making it out of alive. Most of us could not survive longer than a couple days in the heat and would die of dehydration. But it's also a place that embodies peace. It's quiet and soothing and the night sky is filled with stars and a gentle breeze. How could both power and peace coexist? But they do. When I finally realized the awesomeness of the desert my breath was truly taken away and it's something that will forever remind me of the awesomeness of our Creator.

Reflections on a year gone by

So i've decided to start blogging again because my life has taken a pretty dramatic twist in the past month or so. Hopefully I can update with little anecdotes more often. So I left Korea a little over a month again. My last couple of months there were amazing. Some of the most fun I've had in a long time. Built some relationships, grew spiritually, and met all kinds of crazy kids. It's a time I won't soon forget. It's weird, sometimes I miss it. I guess I knew I would but not this soon. Of course I miss the people there but I just miss Korea in general. I miss the little things that we view as idiosyncrasies but are completely normal to Koreans, like grown men carrying purses or girls hiking mountains in their heels. I also miss how everything was open so late or all night, oh the convenience of it all. But I know in my heart of hearts that it was time to move on. I had stopped caring about my job and by default the kids whose life I was supposed to change and affect. It just got too messy and bureacratic and I became to jaded and cynical, feelings that come all to easily and quickly for me. I tried to fight them and for the better part of a year I had, but there comes a point where you realize that it's not going to get better and so you either get out or you become bitter. I've been bitter and it's not a me I particularly enjoy. So while I may go back to Korea at some point in the future it will be to do something I really believe in and not something that perpetuates norms that I don't agree with. Nor will I ever again work only for the money, because I personally can't live like that for too long. I know I'm making my time in Korea sound less than great, but it wasn't. It was more or less what I wanted. I learned a lot, had a great experience living in a different country and culture, met some awesome people, and saved money. But my time in Korea was a lot like the culture itself, full of dicotomies. My feelings and experiences are both bitter and sweet, both full or memorable moments and moments I wish I could forget, learning and reverting to old habits, spiritual growth and backslides, confusion and clarity, the straight and narrow up against the wide and undefined. But these mixtures are not unqiue to an experience in a far off land, they're all apart of life. They're complex mixutres that I had before Korea and ones I have no doubt will define the rest of my life. This past year taught me so many things that I'm reminded of everyday and some things I may not realize for years to come, with a splattering of things in the middle. Some of these things I may have learned staying here, but others I had to go to another country to fully realize. My life in Korea was far from comfortable or simple but it was exactly what God chose to teach me and grow me. It's amazing how once we surrender to God and his plans our own expectations and desires transform and that's what happened in Korea. He chose to take a less than ideal situation and use it for His glory and my betterment. So as I move on to beautiful Barstow, California, another place that is full of its own little idiosyncracies, I will cling to the things I learned in Korea and the realization that with God I can go and do anything. Nothing is too big or small for Him and in return me because I am filled with His spirit. So from one obscure "adventure" to the next...here we go.

Humidity and Life Lessons

Wow it's been awhile since I've written on this thing. I really have no excuse except that I'm lazy, so I apologize and we'll just jump right in.
So it's been humid lately. I hate the humidity. I can handle the heat, I can even handle the cold (in small doses) but there are few things in this life, you know next to poverty and injustice and evil, that I disdain more than a sticky, shower four times day just to feel clean, walk five minutes and be drenched into sweat, disgusting humid morning. But the thing is I love the rain. To me there's something magical, beautiful, cleansing about the rain. Suddenly when the clouds open and the downpour begins the humidity, the awful unbearable wanna pull my own hair out humidity turns into something awe-inspiring.
I know not everyone may agree with my views on humidity and rain, but there are a plethora of analogies that are suitable, dieting comes to mind, or working really hard for something you believe in. The humidity analogy is apropos for where I'm at right now and what I'm going through.
Put simply I hate waiting. I hate standing in line, I hate waiting for my internet to load, I even get frustrated waiting for the bus, not that I usually have anything pressing to get to, it's just the simple fact that I'm waiting and I could be doing something probably just as meaningless. But most of all I hate waiting for an answer and waiting to fulfill my plans. We're a generation of now, immediate gratification, of I have to have now and I am no exception. Currently I'm waiting for God. Which when written down seems like I'm putting God on my timetable and in a way I am. I have no way of knowing what god has in store and how long is will take for him to fulfill His promises. After all a thousand years is a day and a day is thousand years, but quite honestly I hope he's not silent for a thousand years because I'm only human. I'm waiting for God to show me Himself. I know he does this every single day, but perhaps the doubter, the skeptic in me needs something bigger. I look around and I see yes amazing things, but I also see tragedies and it seems like God is silent for much of it. I'm not even going to pretend I know what His plan is, but a little confirmation every now and then would be appreciated. Is that selfish of me?
But that's not even though the point. The point is we are called to go through times of waiting and to be obedient in those times. Even in times of doubt and confusion we still must cling to our mustard seed faith and believe that God will bring the downpour in His own time. It's the waiting that's hard but it's the waiting that makes it worth it. Without waiting we would not know what it is like to do without, and if we don't know what it's like to do without we take advantage and forget the greatness of the gift we are given. So maybe the reason I love the rain is because growing up in California it was a rarity, but when it happened you can bet your bottom dollar I was outside playing in it. So I think that goes for God's timing. I know i'm oversimplifying but bear with me. Though God doesn't always show us His plan and purpose at the moments we deem most appropriate when he does show us glimpses of Himself, it's something magical and something to be treasured. So for the time being I will embrace the humidity and wait for the day I can be completely consumed in the downpour of His glory and greatness

Only time will tell

There are a lot of things in this life that I can't even begin to understand. I don't think this is necessarily a bad think (all be it it's at times a frustrating thing) but a little mystery spurs on faith. But sometimes I wish things were more vivid, I wish this world was painted in black and white, not such a wide array of colors, colors that resemble things in between black and white, right and wrong, clear and slightly blurred, certain and "you want me to do what?" Sometimes I wish the world could remain the way I saw it as a child. Stealing is wrong, lying is wrong, talking back to your parents is wrong, questioning God is wrong, being kind is right, respecting authority is right.
Currently I'm dealing with the issue of contentment. (okay so this is nothing new, I've struggled with this for a long time and knowing my restless, easily bored, short attention span nature it is probably something I will wrestle with for the rest of my life). I know God calls us to be content in all situations. And I've really tried, but I can't help wondering about how long we're supposed to be content for. If we can change our circumstances into a situation that brings us a little more jot should we do it? Do we have to wait for a clear sign from God? Isn't having the opportunity to change enough of a sign? Or are we just supposed to rest in the fact that God will use this experience for His glory? I know this is true, I really do, but how long does this experience need to last in order for it to be beneficial to me?
Like I said, very few answers and boatloads of questions. I think a lot of my questions stem from my lack of faith. It's been a long time since I've recognized a sign from God. I use the word recognize because I'm certain that I see traces of His glory everyday, but I'm too busy or self-absorbed to notice them. If I really had faith waking up every morning would be proof enough of His power and His omnipotence.
I guess I'm waiting for something transformative and life-changing to happen. Maybe that's not how the Christian life works. I'm beginning to believe that growth and development occurs in the day to day, in the mundane. I'm not saying that life-altering events, like births, deaths, illnesses, job loss, heartbreak, etc. aren't transformative in our thinking and beliefs. Because believe me they are, I've experienced it iand it's in those times of emotional upheaval that we can see the face and character of God incredibly clearly and it's those times that can make or break our faith in a loving Creator. But for me it's the little things that test my faith. It's the waking up every morning as a soldier for Christ (sorry for the war reference but when we're fighting for something it's a tad bit apropo), going to workg and believe that there is a higher purpose, woprking at job that promotes ideals that I don't agree with, trying to keep God at thte center of everything I do and say, and overcoming my selfishness so that I can love other people that really makes me question what God calls us to. It's when life gets a little bit boring that we need to change our thinking and desires. It's not what I want ot what I think, it's about living for God the best way I know how in the situation I'm in right now. I have to believe that it will all come together at some point. So for now I wait, for what I'm not quite sure, but once again faith is being for the things unseen and unknown.

Amazing Grace

Grace...what a terrifying, amazing, nonsensical, freeing, all-encompassing, nondiscriminatory word. A word that most days doesn't make any sense to my tiny brain. I try to look at grace from a human perspective and I see it as saying I forgive you when you wrong me, but you better not do it again. Or I know you didn't mean to hurt me, so I'll let this one slide, but the next time you won't get off so easy. It's a word that we almost have to bring down to our level because anything beyond that would terrify and confuse us to our utter soul. but when we do bring it down to our level we tend to reject it because we don't and can't understand it.
There are many days that go by that I either don't thing about grace or I reject the notion of it completely. But I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and it just kinda hit me, I started to have a mini panic attack about how screwed-up I am and about all the ways I have hurt God and others and I began to think about this word that is often thrown around in the Christian community with little understanding or acknowledgment of what it really means. I was watching "Rachel Getting Married" the other day. (I watch a lot of movies nowadays because I gave up TV for Lent, maybe it's a loophole, but it's one I'm and I'm pretty sure God is okay with) Anyways, the movie is about a girl who is more or less a colossal screw-up, she (Anne Hathaway) has been in and out of rehab for 10 years after inadvertently killing her younger brother in a car accident because she was high. This event leading to a lot of the reasons as to why she can't get her life together. Anyways at one point in the story she's talking about the accident and she made a poignant remark. She said that she can't forgive herself for what she did because she can't/doesn't want to believe in a God that can forgive her. That comment kinda struck me and rang true to my very own life. There have been times when I have royally screwed-up (no obviously I haven't killed anyone, but if all sins are viewed the same way by God, what does it matter) . I've done things that I never thought I would do, things I have judged other people for doing, and things I can't forgive myself for doing. And for me personally a lot of times it's easier to cling to our regret and self-loathing. I think there's a kind of comfort in it. We call it "life experience" or "an opportunity to grow or learn." And while sometimes that may be true and even something I believed and clung to for a long time, I'm slowly beginning to see that there are some things I have done that have no educational benefit to me. I knew they were mistakes going into them and yet I still willingly chose to make them, I knew they were stupid choices and yet I more or less blatantly turned my back on God and said we're gonna try this my way ( and most of us know how those decisions turn out...badly). They were stupid, impulsive, selfish decisions that simply prove my belief that I'm a self-centered, self-obsessed lover of this world.
It's these mistakes that I have a difficult time accepting grace for. I would rather bask in my self-righteousness and think "well at least I feel guilty about it, that puts me above about 98% of the population, right?" But in reality my thoughts of remorse and guilt end up eating me up and eventually they create a wedge between me and God. It makes me doubt His power and His love. It causes me to look at Him through my tiny, pathetic human lens. This perception that is incapable of understanding the depth of who God is
Who do I think I am to put limits on what God has done or is capable doing? But this is exactly what I do when I reject His grace, I put Him in a box that it easy for me to understand and comfortable for me to accept. It's funny because so often we are so scared of letting go of this all-consuming, weirdly comforting guilt, but when we do we are filled with this inexplicable freedom. We still know that we are terminally screwed-up, fallen people but we also know that we are a redeemed people. We can find hope in that even though we've made colossal irrevocable mistakes in the past. Christ came and wiped it all away. What an amazing, terrifying truth! Our past failures don't need to affect out current situations, they only affect us when we lose sight of the cross and begin to rely on our own disgraced humanity. Not only has Christ wiped our slate clean, He has given us the tools to overcome evil and temptation the next time it knocks on our door. The Holy Spirit walks with us and transforms and sanctifies us and gives up hope for a brighter, more obedient, Christ-filled future. I'm not saying we're never going screw-up again, because lets face it no matter how much we would prefer to deny it, we're still human and overcoming our fallen human nature is not something we'll experience this side of eternity, but the Holy Spirit makes us stronger, wiser, and more determined to walk in Christ's footsteps (sorry that is one massively long run-on sentence)
So right now I am clinging to the cross and trying to see the grace that God brings, not that humankind brings, because a life of guilt and self-loathing and endless failures is not what God calls us to, He calls us to a life filled with GRACE, hope, peace, and communion with Him, and we can't do or have those things if we are too wrapped up in our self-pity, because thank God that we are made new in Christ Jesus.