Amazing Grace

Grace...what a terrifying, amazing, nonsensical, freeing, all-encompassing, nondiscriminatory word. A word that most days doesn't make any sense to my tiny brain. I try to look at grace from a human perspective and I see it as saying I forgive you when you wrong me, but you better not do it again. Or I know you didn't mean to hurt me, so I'll let this one slide, but the next time you won't get off so easy. It's a word that we almost have to bring down to our level because anything beyond that would terrify and confuse us to our utter soul. but when we do bring it down to our level we tend to reject it because we don't and can't understand it.
There are many days that go by that I either don't thing about grace or I reject the notion of it completely. But I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and it just kinda hit me, I started to have a mini panic attack about how screwed-up I am and about all the ways I have hurt God and others and I began to think about this word that is often thrown around in the Christian community with little understanding or acknowledgment of what it really means. I was watching "Rachel Getting Married" the other day. (I watch a lot of movies nowadays because I gave up TV for Lent, maybe it's a loophole, but it's one I'm and I'm pretty sure God is okay with) Anyways, the movie is about a girl who is more or less a colossal screw-up, she (Anne Hathaway) has been in and out of rehab for 10 years after inadvertently killing her younger brother in a car accident because she was high. This event leading to a lot of the reasons as to why she can't get her life together. Anyways at one point in the story she's talking about the accident and she made a poignant remark. She said that she can't forgive herself for what she did because she can't/doesn't want to believe in a God that can forgive her. That comment kinda struck me and rang true to my very own life. There have been times when I have royally screwed-up (no obviously I haven't killed anyone, but if all sins are viewed the same way by God, what does it matter) . I've done things that I never thought I would do, things I have judged other people for doing, and things I can't forgive myself for doing. And for me personally a lot of times it's easier to cling to our regret and self-loathing. I think there's a kind of comfort in it. We call it "life experience" or "an opportunity to grow or learn." And while sometimes that may be true and even something I believed and clung to for a long time, I'm slowly beginning to see that there are some things I have done that have no educational benefit to me. I knew they were mistakes going into them and yet I still willingly chose to make them, I knew they were stupid choices and yet I more or less blatantly turned my back on God and said we're gonna try this my way ( and most of us know how those decisions turn out...badly). They were stupid, impulsive, selfish decisions that simply prove my belief that I'm a self-centered, self-obsessed lover of this world.
It's these mistakes that I have a difficult time accepting grace for. I would rather bask in my self-righteousness and think "well at least I feel guilty about it, that puts me above about 98% of the population, right?" But in reality my thoughts of remorse and guilt end up eating me up and eventually they create a wedge between me and God. It makes me doubt His power and His love. It causes me to look at Him through my tiny, pathetic human lens. This perception that is incapable of understanding the depth of who God is
Who do I think I am to put limits on what God has done or is capable doing? But this is exactly what I do when I reject His grace, I put Him in a box that it easy for me to understand and comfortable for me to accept. It's funny because so often we are so scared of letting go of this all-consuming, weirdly comforting guilt, but when we do we are filled with this inexplicable freedom. We still know that we are terminally screwed-up, fallen people but we also know that we are a redeemed people. We can find hope in that even though we've made colossal irrevocable mistakes in the past. Christ came and wiped it all away. What an amazing, terrifying truth! Our past failures don't need to affect out current situations, they only affect us when we lose sight of the cross and begin to rely on our own disgraced humanity. Not only has Christ wiped our slate clean, He has given us the tools to overcome evil and temptation the next time it knocks on our door. The Holy Spirit walks with us and transforms and sanctifies us and gives up hope for a brighter, more obedient, Christ-filled future. I'm not saying we're never going screw-up again, because lets face it no matter how much we would prefer to deny it, we're still human and overcoming our fallen human nature is not something we'll experience this side of eternity, but the Holy Spirit makes us stronger, wiser, and more determined to walk in Christ's footsteps (sorry that is one massively long run-on sentence)
So right now I am clinging to the cross and trying to see the grace that God brings, not that humankind brings, because a life of guilt and self-loathing and endless failures is not what God calls us to, He calls us to a life filled with GRACE, hope, peace, and communion with Him, and we can't do or have those things if we are too wrapped up in our self-pity, because thank God that we are made new in Christ Jesus.

Perfect Place, Perfect Time

So as of late I've been thinking a lot about God's hand in our lives. I've always known that he watches out for us and cares about us. But I think I downplay how active he actually is in our daily lives and how he tries to direct our paths, even when we don't even realize we need His direction (which lets face it is more often than we care to admit). This is mainly in regards to relationships. I have been amazed at how God manages to bring people into our lives at the right moment for His purpose and our betterment. God has the ability to use people that we would not at all expect to draw us closer to Him. You would naturally expect other Christians and brothers and sisters in Christ to pull us back to Christ when we're going through a dry spell or a time of doubt and confusion, but most of us would never expect God to use someone who doesn't even believe the Gospel to show us what it means to cling tighter to our faith.
The past couple of weeks I have been challenged by one such nonbeliever. I have been forced to defend my faith and really search my heart to better understand what my faith means to me on a personal and global level. Before that time I was just sort of floundering. I knew what my faith meant to me, but I had no idea what my faith meant to the world. For the past couple of weeks I have really had to grapple with the idea of a universal God. What does faith look like to someone who doesn't really believe in anything? Someone who believes that you get one shot and if you mess it up than that's it. Someone who believes that every person takes their own path and everyone is leading their own lives for their own glory. Also, what does faith in an Almighty God and Redeeming Savior look like to someone who has never needed a Savior? Someone who has gotten through life just fine, with relatively little difficulty and with many blessings. These questions have been plaguing me and I by no means have the answers. But these are questions that I have had to deal with.
I think faith for me offers me peace and hope. Peace because I know that I am working for something bigger than myself. Something that goes behind my next paycheck or a chance at a better life. It offers me peace because I know have a higher purpose to help bring Christ's kingdom on earth. And hope because I know that this world is not all there is, I know that this screwed up, war-torn, poverty stricken world is not at all what it was intended to be. I know that there is a Savior watching my every move and making me a better, more sanctified Christian. And hope because someday soon I get to see this world as God intended it, in all it's perfect, unashamed glory.
I know I have not been able to articulate these things to the people around me who do not believe. I know that faith is not only about beliefs, but it is about action and that is the part I struggle with. I am terrified about talking about my faith and I believe that this is something that on some level I will always struggle with. But for the past few weeks I have made huge improvements. I was able to talk about my faith and why I cling to it. I was able to, maybe not persuade someone to believe the same thing, but to help them understand why I believe it. And honestly these conversations could not have come at a better time. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to talk about it, I would have said that faith was something I did on Sundays and there was no reason to talk about it because I have my beliefs and you have yours and that will never change. But these convos came at a time when I needed someone to talk to and I needed someone to listen. These convos came at a time when I was becoming extremely fed up with my apathy. I was sick of not caring, not living differently, not living the life I wanted to live, or being the person I wanted to be.
For the first time in a long time I had to really examine who I was and how my faith played into that, or more accurately and probably the way I should look at it, is what my faith is and how my life plays into the bigger picture. God used this person to challenge me and force me to grow at a time when growth seemed like a far off dream. I have prayed more and read my Bible more in the past month than I have in a long time. Mainly because I want my life to reflect my words. I want this person to see that yeah I believe what I say and I say what I believe. And for the first time in a long time I am excited about my faith and about where God is leading and guiding me.
There was a point a few months ago where I was pretty sure I was beyond salvation. I thought maybe God had given up on me. I even had doubts about Jesus' existence. I was so far into myself and the hole I had dug for myself that the thought of a transforming faith was a foreign concept to me. But now, as I look at how God has used to Gospel and the message of the Gospel to breathe new life into me I am in awe at His power and His omnipotence. He used someone so unassuming and unpredictable to lead me back onto His path. Yeah I still have a long way to go, but this is progress for me. I feel like a new, better person. I feel like God is in control and with Him leading me I am heading toward great things that will glorify and honor Him (and who doesn't want a life purpose that means world peace and salvation for all mankind). These thoughts are revolutionary for me and I am excited to continue to grow and mature in my faith and I hope and pray that convos that challenge me and get me to talk about my faith will become much less few and far between. But only with the power of the Holy Spirit will this become a reality, so that is what I'm striving to seek this moment, this day.