Idealism? Yes please

So I'm not really sure how this works. Not that it's a difficult concept to grasp, it's just I tend to ramble so I'm afraid that's what your going to have to deal with if you have any desire to suffer through my blog. I can guarantee that there will be very little structure to how I write or what I write about. This is just me attempting to process everything that's going on around me and it is my hope that I will somehow be more diligent about writing if I do it online rather than just in a journal. So that's my preface.
So it's taken me about six months to realize how much life really does change after college. I know pathetic, right. I mean I've always known that it's going to change, but I guess I never really understood how hard or how extreme the changes would be. I mean part of that is my fault, I'm one the one who chose to move to South Korea, I'm the one who didn't really consider anyone else when making decisions about my future, and I'm the one who chose to take a job that pays over a job that is fulfilling. But the other changes are just the ones that life throws at us. If I hadn't gone to South Korea I would probably be at home working at Starbucks, if I had a job at all. Also, friends are moving on and getting married and going to grad school and sometimes I worry that I will be the one left behind. Is that why I came to Korea? To make sure that I am the one leaving instead of the one being left behind? I don't think there is an answer and if there was I don't think the answer is the important part. The important thing is that I'm here and for the time being I'm trying to make the most of an imperfect situation. Which sounds stupid and obvious because all situations are imperfect and all circumstances take adjustment, but for me remembering that I'm here for a reason and that God will work this to his glory and hopefully for my betterment is crucial to my learning and growing where I'm at, not where I wish I was, or where i was a year ago, but where I am today.
So I'm in Korea and I'm dealing with things adults deal with. You know the whole growing up and being a grown up thing, (which I'm pretty convinced takes your entire life to do, because yeah we get older and maybe we get smarter, and maybe we even get more mature but deep down inside most of us all still little kids, who are afraid of maybe not the boogeyman, but of rejection or failure or ourselves, who want mom to hold us and tell us that everything is going to work out and that everything is going to be okay). But that's perhaps a topic for another day. I'm dealing with paying bills and saving money and trying to plan for my future. But at the same time I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what my place is in this world. I guess I wish I had about 3 more years of college to "find myself," because for me personally college left me with more questions then answers and the farther out I get, the more I realize I am so not ready for or even wanting what the world has to offer.
It's funny how all your life you long for one thing and you finally get it and you realize that what you really wanted was what you used to have. I know it sounds totally cliche and maybe that's why it's a cliche, because it's true and yet somehow people don't believe it until it happens to them. "You never know what you have until it's gone." I miss my bubble. I miss having a place where people could speak without fear of retribution or judgment (for the most part). I miss having a community and being surrounded by people I love and who love me and who I can truly and fully be myself with. I'm not saying Wheaton didn't have it's flaws because I will be the first to admit that it did, but for four years it was home and it was safe and challenging and comfortable and incredibly difficuly all at the same time. The funny thing is when graduation day rolled around I was so ready to be done. I counted down the days until I could finally get out into the "real world" and actually do something meaningful instead of just learn about meaningful things I could do. And when I got out, what did I do? I looked for a job that paid the best, sure it was mainly because of prodding of my parents, but I could have done something different, and eventually I got used to the idea of working for the primary purpose of making money. And maybe in a year or five I'll be grateful for the decision I made. But for now, I wish I was doing something I truly and genuinely cared about and was making a difference. And I know that there are things going on in this world that we can't see and maybe one of the kids I teach English to, will not become obsessed with making money or marrying rich and will instead go on to do something truly great with their English speaking ability. That's something I have to hold on to, that there is a plan and a purpose and it is far larger than me or anything I could ever do. This is a daily struggle for me and one I'm sure I will continue to wrestle with in the months and years to come.
But it's not all bad. Sure, I kinda feel like a sell out, but as long as it's only for a season right? And I know that I'm here for a reason, even if you have to look really really hard to see it. Contrary to the tone of this entry, I am enjoying myself here. The teaching isn't bad and I just got involved in a new church that I think will be really good for me. Especially since I have put my faith on the back burner (which to be completely honest is an understatement) for the 3 1/2 months I've been in Korea. But I'm involved in a Bible Study with some pretty sweet people and I plan to start an orphanage/North Korean refugee ministry in January. So things are starting to look up. I can't how often I'll write, because I'm real flaky and kinda lazy but I'm going to try to the best of my ability to be consistent.
I don't expect anybody to have read this far, but if you have thanks so much for reading and I apologize if it's completely incoherent or hard to follow.