So there's this quote, "life is not measure by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Today (actually a couple days ago but today sounds better and makes it seem like i'm on top of things) I had one such moment. I was driving, on I-15 between Barstow and Victorville. For those of you who are not familiar with these two places they are smack dab in the middle of the desert, only miles away from Death Valley a place with the hottest recorded temperature in North America. It's also a few minutes away from Fort Irwin where soldiers come to train because the weather conditions here are more severe than they will be in Iraq and Afghanistan. The only reason someone would venture onto this part of I-15 is to get from Los Angeles to Vegas or vice verse. So needless to say there isn't much to see. But today I allowed myself to just drive and take in the sites around me. And for the first time I noticed the beauty and uniqueness of the desert.
Let me start off my saying, I'm not a desert person. I like the beach, the rainforest, cities, most other landscapes, but when people say the desert is beautiful I fail to make the connection between dry, heat, sandy, cacti, and beautiful. These things do not seem synonymous to me. But today for the first time I finally understood. There is something truly magnificent about seeing the desert surround you for miles and miles on all sides. It's a place that is unlike any other. The animals and plants that are able to survive in these places are truly a symbol of the miraculous, a sign to those that lack faith (me among them) that there must be a creative, magnificent God that commanded this all into being. The desert is a place that even Bear Grylls has a difficult time making it out of alive. Most of us could not survive longer than a couple days in the heat and would die of dehydration. But it's also a place that embodies peace. It's quiet and soothing and the night sky is filled with stars and a gentle breeze. How could both power and peace coexist? But they do. When I finally realized the awesomeness of the desert my breath was truly taken away and it's something that will forever remind me of the awesomeness of our Creator.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Reflections on a year gone by
So i've decided to start blogging again because my life has taken a pretty dramatic twist in the past month or so. Hopefully I can update with little anecdotes more often. So I left Korea a little over a month again. My last couple of months there were amazing. Some of the most fun I've had in a long time. Built some relationships, grew spiritually, and met all kinds of crazy kids. It's a time I won't soon forget. It's weird, sometimes I miss it. I guess I knew I would but not this soon. Of course I miss the people there but I just miss Korea in general. I miss the little things that we view as idiosyncrasies but are completely normal to Koreans, like grown men carrying purses or girls hiking mountains in their heels. I also miss how everything was open so late or all night, oh the convenience of it all. But I know in my heart of hearts that it was time to move on. I had stopped caring about my job and by default the kids whose life I was supposed to change and affect. It just got too messy and bureacratic and I became to jaded and cynical, feelings that come all to easily and quickly for me. I tried to fight them and for the better part of a year I had, but there comes a point where you realize that it's not going to get better and so you either get out or you become bitter. I've been bitter and it's not a me I particularly enjoy. So while I may go back to Korea at some point in the future it will be to do something I really believe in and not something that perpetuates norms that I don't agree with. Nor will I ever again work only for the money, because I personally can't live like that for too long. I know I'm making my time in Korea sound less than great, but it wasn't. It was more or less what I wanted. I learned a lot, had a great experience living in a different country and culture, met some awesome people, and saved money. But my time in Korea was a lot like the culture itself, full of dicotomies. My feelings and experiences are both bitter and sweet, both full or memorable moments and moments I wish I could forget, learning and reverting to old habits, spiritual growth and backslides, confusion and clarity, the straight and narrow up against the wide and undefined. But these mixtures are not unqiue to an experience in a far off land, they're all apart of life. They're complex mixutres that I had before Korea and ones I have no doubt will define the rest of my life. This past year taught me so many things that I'm reminded of everyday and some things I may not realize for years to come, with a splattering of things in the middle. Some of these things I may have learned staying here, but others I had to go to another country to fully realize. My life in Korea was far from comfortable or simple but it was exactly what God chose to teach me and grow me. It's amazing how once we surrender to God and his plans our own expectations and desires transform and that's what happened in Korea. He chose to take a less than ideal situation and use it for His glory and my betterment. So as I move on to beautiful Barstow, California, another place that is full of its own little idiosyncracies, I will cling to the things I learned in Korea and the realization that with God I can go and do anything. Nothing is too big or small for Him and in return me because I am filled with His spirit. So from one obscure "adventure" to the next...here we go.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Humidity and Life Lessons
Wow it's been awhile since I've written on this thing. I really have no excuse except that I'm lazy, so I apologize and we'll just jump right in.
So it's been humid lately. I hate the humidity. I can handle the heat, I can even handle the cold (in small doses) but there are few things in this life, you know next to poverty and injustice and evil, that I disdain more than a sticky, shower four times day just to feel clean, walk five minutes and be drenched into sweat, disgusting humid morning. But the thing is I love the rain. To me there's something magical, beautiful, cleansing about the rain. Suddenly when the clouds open and the downpour begins the humidity, the awful unbearable wanna pull my own hair out humidity turns into something awe-inspiring.
I know not everyone may agree with my views on humidity and rain, but there are a plethora of analogies that are suitable, dieting comes to mind, or working really hard for something you believe in. The humidity analogy is apropos for where I'm at right now and what I'm going through.
Put simply I hate waiting. I hate standing in line, I hate waiting for my internet to load, I even get frustrated waiting for the bus, not that I usually have anything pressing to get to, it's just the simple fact that I'm waiting and I could be doing something probably just as meaningless. But most of all I hate waiting for an answer and waiting to fulfill my plans. We're a generation of now, immediate gratification, of I have to have now and I am no exception. Currently I'm waiting for God. Which when written down seems like I'm putting God on my timetable and in a way I am. I have no way of knowing what god has in store and how long is will take for him to fulfill His promises. After all a thousand years is a day and a day is thousand years, but quite honestly I hope he's not silent for a thousand years because I'm only human. I'm waiting for God to show me Himself. I know he does this every single day, but perhaps the doubter, the skeptic in me needs something bigger. I look around and I see yes amazing things, but I also see tragedies and it seems like God is silent for much of it. I'm not even going to pretend I know what His plan is, but a little confirmation every now and then would be appreciated. Is that selfish of me?
But that's not even though the point. The point is we are called to go through times of waiting and to be obedient in those times. Even in times of doubt and confusion we still must cling to our mustard seed faith and believe that God will bring the downpour in His own time. It's the waiting that's hard but it's the waiting that makes it worth it. Without waiting we would not know what it is like to do without, and if we don't know what it's like to do without we take advantage and forget the greatness of the gift we are given. So maybe the reason I love the rain is because growing up in California it was a rarity, but when it happened you can bet your bottom dollar I was outside playing in it. So I think that goes for God's timing. I know i'm oversimplifying but bear with me. Though God doesn't always show us His plan and purpose at the moments we deem most appropriate when he does show us glimpses of Himself, it's something magical and something to be treasured. So for the time being I will embrace the humidity and wait for the day I can be completely consumed in the downpour of His glory and greatness
So it's been humid lately. I hate the humidity. I can handle the heat, I can even handle the cold (in small doses) but there are few things in this life, you know next to poverty and injustice and evil, that I disdain more than a sticky, shower four times day just to feel clean, walk five minutes and be drenched into sweat, disgusting humid morning. But the thing is I love the rain. To me there's something magical, beautiful, cleansing about the rain. Suddenly when the clouds open and the downpour begins the humidity, the awful unbearable wanna pull my own hair out humidity turns into something awe-inspiring.
I know not everyone may agree with my views on humidity and rain, but there are a plethora of analogies that are suitable, dieting comes to mind, or working really hard for something you believe in. The humidity analogy is apropos for where I'm at right now and what I'm going through.
Put simply I hate waiting. I hate standing in line, I hate waiting for my internet to load, I even get frustrated waiting for the bus, not that I usually have anything pressing to get to, it's just the simple fact that I'm waiting and I could be doing something probably just as meaningless. But most of all I hate waiting for an answer and waiting to fulfill my plans. We're a generation of now, immediate gratification, of I have to have now and I am no exception. Currently I'm waiting for God. Which when written down seems like I'm putting God on my timetable and in a way I am. I have no way of knowing what god has in store and how long is will take for him to fulfill His promises. After all a thousand years is a day and a day is thousand years, but quite honestly I hope he's not silent for a thousand years because I'm only human. I'm waiting for God to show me Himself. I know he does this every single day, but perhaps the doubter, the skeptic in me needs something bigger. I look around and I see yes amazing things, but I also see tragedies and it seems like God is silent for much of it. I'm not even going to pretend I know what His plan is, but a little confirmation every now and then would be appreciated. Is that selfish of me?
But that's not even though the point. The point is we are called to go through times of waiting and to be obedient in those times. Even in times of doubt and confusion we still must cling to our mustard seed faith and believe that God will bring the downpour in His own time. It's the waiting that's hard but it's the waiting that makes it worth it. Without waiting we would not know what it is like to do without, and if we don't know what it's like to do without we take advantage and forget the greatness of the gift we are given. So maybe the reason I love the rain is because growing up in California it was a rarity, but when it happened you can bet your bottom dollar I was outside playing in it. So I think that goes for God's timing. I know i'm oversimplifying but bear with me. Though God doesn't always show us His plan and purpose at the moments we deem most appropriate when he does show us glimpses of Himself, it's something magical and something to be treasured. So for the time being I will embrace the humidity and wait for the day I can be completely consumed in the downpour of His glory and greatness
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Only time will tell
There are a lot of things in this life that I can't even begin to understand. I don't think this is necessarily a bad think (all be it it's at times a frustrating thing) but a little mystery spurs on faith. But sometimes I wish things were more vivid, I wish this world was painted in black and white, not such a wide array of colors, colors that resemble things in between black and white, right and wrong, clear and slightly blurred, certain and "you want me to do what?" Sometimes I wish the world could remain the way I saw it as a child. Stealing is wrong, lying is wrong, talking back to your parents is wrong, questioning God is wrong, being kind is right, respecting authority is right.
Currently I'm dealing with the issue of contentment. (okay so this is nothing new, I've struggled with this for a long time and knowing my restless, easily bored, short attention span nature it is probably something I will wrestle with for the rest of my life). I know God calls us to be content in all situations. And I've really tried, but I can't help wondering about how long we're supposed to be content for. If we can change our circumstances into a situation that brings us a little more jot should we do it? Do we have to wait for a clear sign from God? Isn't having the opportunity to change enough of a sign? Or are we just supposed to rest in the fact that God will use this experience for His glory? I know this is true, I really do, but how long does this experience need to last in order for it to be beneficial to me?
Like I said, very few answers and boatloads of questions. I think a lot of my questions stem from my lack of faith. It's been a long time since I've recognized a sign from God. I use the word recognize because I'm certain that I see traces of His glory everyday, but I'm too busy or self-absorbed to notice them. If I really had faith waking up every morning would be proof enough of His power and His omnipotence.
I guess I'm waiting for something transformative and life-changing to happen. Maybe that's not how the Christian life works. I'm beginning to believe that growth and development occurs in the day to day, in the mundane. I'm not saying that life-altering events, like births, deaths, illnesses, job loss, heartbreak, etc. aren't transformative in our thinking and beliefs. Because believe me they are, I've experienced it iand it's in those times of emotional upheaval that we can see the face and character of God incredibly clearly and it's those times that can make or break our faith in a loving Creator. But for me it's the little things that test my faith. It's the waking up every morning as a soldier for Christ (sorry for the war reference but when we're fighting for something it's a tad bit apropo), going to workg and believe that there is a higher purpose, woprking at job that promotes ideals that I don't agree with, trying to keep God at thte center of everything I do and say, and overcoming my selfishness so that I can love other people that really makes me question what God calls us to. It's when life gets a little bit boring that we need to change our thinking and desires. It's not what I want ot what I think, it's about living for God the best way I know how in the situation I'm in right now. I have to believe that it will all come together at some point. So for now I wait, for what I'm not quite sure, but once again faith is being for the things unseen and unknown.
Currently I'm dealing with the issue of contentment. (okay so this is nothing new, I've struggled with this for a long time and knowing my restless, easily bored, short attention span nature it is probably something I will wrestle with for the rest of my life). I know God calls us to be content in all situations. And I've really tried, but I can't help wondering about how long we're supposed to be content for. If we can change our circumstances into a situation that brings us a little more jot should we do it? Do we have to wait for a clear sign from God? Isn't having the opportunity to change enough of a sign? Or are we just supposed to rest in the fact that God will use this experience for His glory? I know this is true, I really do, but how long does this experience need to last in order for it to be beneficial to me?
Like I said, very few answers and boatloads of questions. I think a lot of my questions stem from my lack of faith. It's been a long time since I've recognized a sign from God. I use the word recognize because I'm certain that I see traces of His glory everyday, but I'm too busy or self-absorbed to notice them. If I really had faith waking up every morning would be proof enough of His power and His omnipotence.
I guess I'm waiting for something transformative and life-changing to happen. Maybe that's not how the Christian life works. I'm beginning to believe that growth and development occurs in the day to day, in the mundane. I'm not saying that life-altering events, like births, deaths, illnesses, job loss, heartbreak, etc. aren't transformative in our thinking and beliefs. Because believe me they are, I've experienced it iand it's in those times of emotional upheaval that we can see the face and character of God incredibly clearly and it's those times that can make or break our faith in a loving Creator. But for me it's the little things that test my faith. It's the waking up every morning as a soldier for Christ (sorry for the war reference but when we're fighting for something it's a tad bit apropo), going to workg and believe that there is a higher purpose, woprking at job that promotes ideals that I don't agree with, trying to keep God at thte center of everything I do and say, and overcoming my selfishness so that I can love other people that really makes me question what God calls us to. It's when life gets a little bit boring that we need to change our thinking and desires. It's not what I want ot what I think, it's about living for God the best way I know how in the situation I'm in right now. I have to believe that it will all come together at some point. So for now I wait, for what I'm not quite sure, but once again faith is being for the things unseen and unknown.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Amazing Grace
Grace...what a terrifying, amazing, nonsensical, freeing, all-encompassing, nondiscriminatory word. A word that most days doesn't make any sense to my tiny brain. I try to look at grace from a human perspective and I see it as saying I forgive you when you wrong me, but you better not do it again. Or I know you didn't mean to hurt me, so I'll let this one slide, but the next time you won't get off so easy. It's a word that we almost have to bring down to our level because anything beyond that would terrify and confuse us to our utter soul. but when we do bring it down to our level we tend to reject it because we don't and can't understand it.
There are many days that go by that I either don't thing about grace or I reject the notion of it completely. But I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and it just kinda hit me, I started to have a mini panic attack about how screwed-up I am and about all the ways I have hurt God and others and I began to think about this word that is often thrown around in the Christian community with little understanding or acknowledgment of what it really means. I was watching "Rachel Getting Married" the other day. (I watch a lot of movies nowadays because I gave up TV for Lent, maybe it's a loophole, but it's one I'm and I'm pretty sure God is okay with) Anyways, the movie is about a girl who is more or less a colossal screw-up, she (Anne Hathaway) has been in and out of rehab for 10 years after inadvertently killing her younger brother in a car accident because she was high. This event leading to a lot of the reasons as to why she can't get her life together. Anyways at one point in the story she's talking about the accident and she made a poignant remark. She said that she can't forgive herself for what she did because she can't/doesn't want to believe in a God that can forgive her. That comment kinda struck me and rang true to my very own life. There have been times when I have royally screwed-up (no obviously I haven't killed anyone, but if all sins are viewed the same way by God, what does it matter) . I've done things that I never thought I would do, things I have judged other people for doing, and things I can't forgive myself for doing. And for me personally a lot of times it's easier to cling to our regret and self-loathing. I think there's a kind of comfort in it. We call it "life experience" or "an opportunity to grow or learn." And while sometimes that may be true and even something I believed and clung to for a long time, I'm slowly beginning to see that there are some things I have done that have no educational benefit to me. I knew they were mistakes going into them and yet I still willingly chose to make them, I knew they were stupid choices and yet I more or less blatantly turned my back on God and said we're gonna try this my way ( and most of us know how those decisions turn out...badly). They were stupid, impulsive, selfish decisions that simply prove my belief that I'm a self-centered, self-obsessed lover of this world.
It's these mistakes that I have a difficult time accepting grace for. I would rather bask in my self-righteousness and think "well at least I feel guilty about it, that puts me above about 98% of the population, right?" But in reality my thoughts of remorse and guilt end up eating me up and eventually they create a wedge between me and God. It makes me doubt His power and His love. It causes me to look at Him through my tiny, pathetic human lens. This perception that is incapable of understanding the depth of who God is
Who do I think I am to put limits on what God has done or is capable doing? But this is exactly what I do when I reject His grace, I put Him in a box that it easy for me to understand and comfortable for me to accept. It's funny because so often we are so scared of letting go of this all-consuming, weirdly comforting guilt, but when we do we are filled with this inexplicable freedom. We still know that we are terminally screwed-up, fallen people but we also know that we are a redeemed people. We can find hope in that even though we've made colossal irrevocable mistakes in the past. Christ came and wiped it all away. What an amazing, terrifying truth! Our past failures don't need to affect out current situations, they only affect us when we lose sight of the cross and begin to rely on our own disgraced humanity. Not only has Christ wiped our slate clean, He has given us the tools to overcome evil and temptation the next time it knocks on our door. The Holy Spirit walks with us and transforms and sanctifies us and gives up hope for a brighter, more obedient, Christ-filled future. I'm not saying we're never going screw-up again, because lets face it no matter how much we would prefer to deny it, we're still human and overcoming our fallen human nature is not something we'll experience this side of eternity, but the Holy Spirit makes us stronger, wiser, and more determined to walk in Christ's footsteps (sorry that is one massively long run-on sentence)
So right now I am clinging to the cross and trying to see the grace that God brings, not that humankind brings, because a life of guilt and self-loathing and endless failures is not what God calls us to, He calls us to a life filled with GRACE, hope, peace, and communion with Him, and we can't do or have those things if we are too wrapped up in our self-pity, because thank God that we are made new in Christ Jesus.
There are many days that go by that I either don't thing about grace or I reject the notion of it completely. But I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and it just kinda hit me, I started to have a mini panic attack about how screwed-up I am and about all the ways I have hurt God and others and I began to think about this word that is often thrown around in the Christian community with little understanding or acknowledgment of what it really means. I was watching "Rachel Getting Married" the other day. (I watch a lot of movies nowadays because I gave up TV for Lent, maybe it's a loophole, but it's one I'm and I'm pretty sure God is okay with) Anyways, the movie is about a girl who is more or less a colossal screw-up, she (Anne Hathaway) has been in and out of rehab for 10 years after inadvertently killing her younger brother in a car accident because she was high. This event leading to a lot of the reasons as to why she can't get her life together. Anyways at one point in the story she's talking about the accident and she made a poignant remark. She said that she can't forgive herself for what she did because she can't/doesn't want to believe in a God that can forgive her. That comment kinda struck me and rang true to my very own life. There have been times when I have royally screwed-up (no obviously I haven't killed anyone, but if all sins are viewed the same way by God, what does it matter) . I've done things that I never thought I would do, things I have judged other people for doing, and things I can't forgive myself for doing. And for me personally a lot of times it's easier to cling to our regret and self-loathing. I think there's a kind of comfort in it. We call it "life experience" or "an opportunity to grow or learn." And while sometimes that may be true and even something I believed and clung to for a long time, I'm slowly beginning to see that there are some things I have done that have no educational benefit to me. I knew they were mistakes going into them and yet I still willingly chose to make them, I knew they were stupid choices and yet I more or less blatantly turned my back on God and said we're gonna try this my way ( and most of us know how those decisions turn out...badly). They were stupid, impulsive, selfish decisions that simply prove my belief that I'm a self-centered, self-obsessed lover of this world.
It's these mistakes that I have a difficult time accepting grace for. I would rather bask in my self-righteousness and think "well at least I feel guilty about it, that puts me above about 98% of the population, right?" But in reality my thoughts of remorse and guilt end up eating me up and eventually they create a wedge between me and God. It makes me doubt His power and His love. It causes me to look at Him through my tiny, pathetic human lens. This perception that is incapable of understanding the depth of who God is
Who do I think I am to put limits on what God has done or is capable doing? But this is exactly what I do when I reject His grace, I put Him in a box that it easy for me to understand and comfortable for me to accept. It's funny because so often we are so scared of letting go of this all-consuming, weirdly comforting guilt, but when we do we are filled with this inexplicable freedom. We still know that we are terminally screwed-up, fallen people but we also know that we are a redeemed people. We can find hope in that even though we've made colossal irrevocable mistakes in the past. Christ came and wiped it all away. What an amazing, terrifying truth! Our past failures don't need to affect out current situations, they only affect us when we lose sight of the cross and begin to rely on our own disgraced humanity. Not only has Christ wiped our slate clean, He has given us the tools to overcome evil and temptation the next time it knocks on our door. The Holy Spirit walks with us and transforms and sanctifies us and gives up hope for a brighter, more obedient, Christ-filled future. I'm not saying we're never going screw-up again, because lets face it no matter how much we would prefer to deny it, we're still human and overcoming our fallen human nature is not something we'll experience this side of eternity, but the Holy Spirit makes us stronger, wiser, and more determined to walk in Christ's footsteps (sorry that is one massively long run-on sentence)
So right now I am clinging to the cross and trying to see the grace that God brings, not that humankind brings, because a life of guilt and self-loathing and endless failures is not what God calls us to, He calls us to a life filled with GRACE, hope, peace, and communion with Him, and we can't do or have those things if we are too wrapped up in our self-pity, because thank God that we are made new in Christ Jesus.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Perfect Place, Perfect Time
So as of late I've been thinking a lot about God's hand in our lives. I've always known that he watches out for us and cares about us. But I think I downplay how active he actually is in our daily lives and how he tries to direct our paths, even when we don't even realize we need His direction (which lets face it is more often than we care to admit). This is mainly in regards to relationships. I have been amazed at how God manages to bring people into our lives at the right moment for His purpose and our betterment. God has the ability to use people that we would not at all expect to draw us closer to Him. You would naturally expect other Christians and brothers and sisters in Christ to pull us back to Christ when we're going through a dry spell or a time of doubt and confusion, but most of us would never expect God to use someone who doesn't even believe the Gospel to show us what it means to cling tighter to our faith.
The past couple of weeks I have been challenged by one such nonbeliever. I have been forced to defend my faith and really search my heart to better understand what my faith means to me on a personal and global level. Before that time I was just sort of floundering. I knew what my faith meant to me, but I had no idea what my faith meant to the world. For the past couple of weeks I have really had to grapple with the idea of a universal God. What does faith look like to someone who doesn't really believe in anything? Someone who believes that you get one shot and if you mess it up than that's it. Someone who believes that every person takes their own path and everyone is leading their own lives for their own glory. Also, what does faith in an Almighty God and Redeeming Savior look like to someone who has never needed a Savior? Someone who has gotten through life just fine, with relatively little difficulty and with many blessings. These questions have been plaguing me and I by no means have the answers. But these are questions that I have had to deal with.
I think faith for me offers me peace and hope. Peace because I know that I am working for something bigger than myself. Something that goes behind my next paycheck or a chance at a better life. It offers me peace because I know have a higher purpose to help bring Christ's kingdom on earth. And hope because I know that this world is not all there is, I know that this screwed up, war-torn, poverty stricken world is not at all what it was intended to be. I know that there is a Savior watching my every move and making me a better, more sanctified Christian. And hope because someday soon I get to see this world as God intended it, in all it's perfect, unashamed glory.
I know I have not been able to articulate these things to the people around me who do not believe. I know that faith is not only about beliefs, but it is about action and that is the part I struggle with. I am terrified about talking about my faith and I believe that this is something that on some level I will always struggle with. But for the past few weeks I have made huge improvements. I was able to talk about my faith and why I cling to it. I was able to, maybe not persuade someone to believe the same thing, but to help them understand why I believe it. And honestly these conversations could not have come at a better time. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to talk about it, I would have said that faith was something I did on Sundays and there was no reason to talk about it because I have my beliefs and you have yours and that will never change. But these convos came at a time when I needed someone to talk to and I needed someone to listen. These convos came at a time when I was becoming extremely fed up with my apathy. I was sick of not caring, not living differently, not living the life I wanted to live, or being the person I wanted to be.
For the first time in a long time I had to really examine who I was and how my faith played into that, or more accurately and probably the way I should look at it, is what my faith is and how my life plays into the bigger picture. God used this person to challenge me and force me to grow at a time when growth seemed like a far off dream. I have prayed more and read my Bible more in the past month than I have in a long time. Mainly because I want my life to reflect my words. I want this person to see that yeah I believe what I say and I say what I believe. And for the first time in a long time I am excited about my faith and about where God is leading and guiding me.
There was a point a few months ago where I was pretty sure I was beyond salvation. I thought maybe God had given up on me. I even had doubts about Jesus' existence. I was so far into myself and the hole I had dug for myself that the thought of a transforming faith was a foreign concept to me. But now, as I look at how God has used to Gospel and the message of the Gospel to breathe new life into me I am in awe at His power and His omnipotence. He used someone so unassuming and unpredictable to lead me back onto His path. Yeah I still have a long way to go, but this is progress for me. I feel like a new, better person. I feel like God is in control and with Him leading me I am heading toward great things that will glorify and honor Him (and who doesn't want a life purpose that means world peace and salvation for all mankind). These thoughts are revolutionary for me and I am excited to continue to grow and mature in my faith and I hope and pray that convos that challenge me and get me to talk about my faith will become much less few and far between. But only with the power of the Holy Spirit will this become a reality, so that is what I'm striving to seek this moment, this day.
The past couple of weeks I have been challenged by one such nonbeliever. I have been forced to defend my faith and really search my heart to better understand what my faith means to me on a personal and global level. Before that time I was just sort of floundering. I knew what my faith meant to me, but I had no idea what my faith meant to the world. For the past couple of weeks I have really had to grapple with the idea of a universal God. What does faith look like to someone who doesn't really believe in anything? Someone who believes that you get one shot and if you mess it up than that's it. Someone who believes that every person takes their own path and everyone is leading their own lives for their own glory. Also, what does faith in an Almighty God and Redeeming Savior look like to someone who has never needed a Savior? Someone who has gotten through life just fine, with relatively little difficulty and with many blessings. These questions have been plaguing me and I by no means have the answers. But these are questions that I have had to deal with.
I think faith for me offers me peace and hope. Peace because I know that I am working for something bigger than myself. Something that goes behind my next paycheck or a chance at a better life. It offers me peace because I know have a higher purpose to help bring Christ's kingdom on earth. And hope because I know that this world is not all there is, I know that this screwed up, war-torn, poverty stricken world is not at all what it was intended to be. I know that there is a Savior watching my every move and making me a better, more sanctified Christian. And hope because someday soon I get to see this world as God intended it, in all it's perfect, unashamed glory.
I know I have not been able to articulate these things to the people around me who do not believe. I know that faith is not only about beliefs, but it is about action and that is the part I struggle with. I am terrified about talking about my faith and I believe that this is something that on some level I will always struggle with. But for the past few weeks I have made huge improvements. I was able to talk about my faith and why I cling to it. I was able to, maybe not persuade someone to believe the same thing, but to help them understand why I believe it. And honestly these conversations could not have come at a better time. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to talk about it, I would have said that faith was something I did on Sundays and there was no reason to talk about it because I have my beliefs and you have yours and that will never change. But these convos came at a time when I needed someone to talk to and I needed someone to listen. These convos came at a time when I was becoming extremely fed up with my apathy. I was sick of not caring, not living differently, not living the life I wanted to live, or being the person I wanted to be.
For the first time in a long time I had to really examine who I was and how my faith played into that, or more accurately and probably the way I should look at it, is what my faith is and how my life plays into the bigger picture. God used this person to challenge me and force me to grow at a time when growth seemed like a far off dream. I have prayed more and read my Bible more in the past month than I have in a long time. Mainly because I want my life to reflect my words. I want this person to see that yeah I believe what I say and I say what I believe. And for the first time in a long time I am excited about my faith and about where God is leading and guiding me.
There was a point a few months ago where I was pretty sure I was beyond salvation. I thought maybe God had given up on me. I even had doubts about Jesus' existence. I was so far into myself and the hole I had dug for myself that the thought of a transforming faith was a foreign concept to me. But now, as I look at how God has used to Gospel and the message of the Gospel to breathe new life into me I am in awe at His power and His omnipotence. He used someone so unassuming and unpredictable to lead me back onto His path. Yeah I still have a long way to go, but this is progress for me. I feel like a new, better person. I feel like God is in control and with Him leading me I am heading toward great things that will glorify and honor Him (and who doesn't want a life purpose that means world peace and salvation for all mankind). These thoughts are revolutionary for me and I am excited to continue to grow and mature in my faith and I hope and pray that convos that challenge me and get me to talk about my faith will become much less few and far between. But only with the power of the Holy Spirit will this become a reality, so that is what I'm striving to seek this moment, this day.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Falling Short
Alright so last time i left you I was working on living every day as a mission for God. Let me tell you, it's not going that great. I was so set on doing it and theoretically it should be easy, but practically it's a whole hellava lot harder. I need to pray more. I need to read my Bible more. I need to love more. And I can't do that if I doubt God's ability to change my heart. So once again my lifestyle falls way short of my ideals.
Why is it so hard to match your ideals to the way you live your life? After all, if they really are your ideals than they should be your ideal lifestyle, no? Can we chalk our fails up to being flawed? Or living in a flawed, fallen world? Or is that just a lame easy excuse that makes us feel better about our pathetic lack of follow through? I'm tempted to believe the latter. I'm tempted to believe that the majority of us are simply lazy. (After all there are some people who do live out their ideals on a daily basis...what's their secret?) It's easier to walk past the crippled beggar and make excuses. We're in a hurry or my dollar or chon won isn't going to make a difference. Maybe those things are true, but does that make our indifference to the pain and suffering around us, okay? Jesus never called us to easy, comfortable lives. But that's the life I know I've accepted.
Are we too busy and important to try to understand why the person we pass everyday ended up there or why begging for money is there only option? I guess it's not even about the homeless person. (Maybe it should be about them but that's not the most frustrating part) I guess it's about my own self-absorption. If I can'[t care about the people around me, my coworkers, my neighbors, my fellow churchgoers, how the hell am I qualified to care about those people outside my immediate realm of influence? I mean if I plan on saving the world shouldn't it start at my front door? (And my goal is to save the world, so now you can understand my frustration with teaching English)
Why am I too busy to get to know, I mean really know the struggles, the histories, the pain, the people I see everyday . I know I'm not that busy, I'm not all that important. I'm simply selfish and I would rather zone out and watch some stupid TV show than make an effort to have a conversation with someone. Maybe I'm scared the convo will be awkward or we won't have anything to say to one another. But maybe we'll have everything to say or maybe it's just the convo I or the other person needs.
I'm attempting to live radically for Christ. I want my life to look different and I am struggling to figure out what different looks like. But maybe that's just it, maybe simply caring about people and taking the time to get to know them is one step closer to radical living. But it almost seems too simple. I mean being a good human being is living radically? I don't know, but for now it's a step to living better. I mean if all of us died to ourselves and started loving people (with the help of Jesus of course because some people just aren't that lovable) and starting putting others before ourselves, wouldn't that be an amazing witness? (Maybe it wouldn't, maybe I just have an incredibly jaded view of the world, something else I'm working on.) It's our job to bring God's kingdom as fully as possible on earth, so why not start by loving our coworkers or peers?
Why is it so hard to match your ideals to the way you live your life? After all, if they really are your ideals than they should be your ideal lifestyle, no? Can we chalk our fails up to being flawed? Or living in a flawed, fallen world? Or is that just a lame easy excuse that makes us feel better about our pathetic lack of follow through? I'm tempted to believe the latter. I'm tempted to believe that the majority of us are simply lazy. (After all there are some people who do live out their ideals on a daily basis...what's their secret?) It's easier to walk past the crippled beggar and make excuses. We're in a hurry or my dollar or chon won isn't going to make a difference. Maybe those things are true, but does that make our indifference to the pain and suffering around us, okay? Jesus never called us to easy, comfortable lives. But that's the life I know I've accepted.
Are we too busy and important to try to understand why the person we pass everyday ended up there or why begging for money is there only option? I guess it's not even about the homeless person. (Maybe it should be about them but that's not the most frustrating part) I guess it's about my own self-absorption. If I can'[t care about the people around me, my coworkers, my neighbors, my fellow churchgoers, how the hell am I qualified to care about those people outside my immediate realm of influence? I mean if I plan on saving the world shouldn't it start at my front door? (And my goal is to save the world, so now you can understand my frustration with teaching English)
Why am I too busy to get to know, I mean really know the struggles, the histories, the pain, the people I see everyday . I know I'm not that busy, I'm not all that important. I'm simply selfish and I would rather zone out and watch some stupid TV show than make an effort to have a conversation with someone. Maybe I'm scared the convo will be awkward or we won't have anything to say to one another. But maybe we'll have everything to say or maybe it's just the convo I or the other person needs.
I'm attempting to live radically for Christ. I want my life to look different and I am struggling to figure out what different looks like. But maybe that's just it, maybe simply caring about people and taking the time to get to know them is one step closer to radical living. But it almost seems too simple. I mean being a good human being is living radically? I don't know, but for now it's a step to living better. I mean if all of us died to ourselves and started loving people (with the help of Jesus of course because some people just aren't that lovable) and starting putting others before ourselves, wouldn't that be an amazing witness? (Maybe it wouldn't, maybe I just have an incredibly jaded view of the world, something else I'm working on.) It's our job to bring God's kingdom as fully as possible on earth, so why not start by loving our coworkers or peers?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Living Missionally
So I've been thinking about a lot of things since my last post and I think God has been really challenging to think more radically and deeply about what my faith means on a day to day basis. Obviously, I'm supposed to lead an obedient life and follow Christ, but what does that mean when I'm forced to do tasks or jobs that I deem to be less than noble
So I've been listening to sermons from my old church in Chicago. New Community Covenant Church, if you're ever in Chicago and need a church to go to I highly recommend it, it's amazing. Also, I've been reading books and the Bible and I think the overwhelming message being sent my way by the Almighty is to embrace the present. Stop thinking about all the things that we're great in the past or planning for all the exciting things I may do in the future. I need to focus on the here and now. I need to embrace and take advantage of where I am now and the mission God has for me now and here. So teaching the upper echelon of children, a subject they don't really want to learn, so they can continue to believe that money is the root of success and happiness is a far from ideal endeavor. But it's the endeavor I embarked on and it's the endeavor God allowed me to have right now.
So i'm working on leading a missional life, just because I'm not on the front lines in China or India or inner city Chicago, doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for me that is just was meaningful. So I'm trying to approach everyday, whether it be at work, or just hanging with friends as a mission for Jesus. I know it sounds cheesy and maybe even a little crazy. But I'm not talking about proselytizing to everyone I meet, but I am talking about showing people that there is a different bigger purpose to why I do my job, it's not just about making the money or just about making sure the kids learn English. It's about letting people, my students and my coworkers, know that I care about them and that I want to spend time with and that I do my work not for man but for God. Pastor Peter was able to say this a lot of eloquently than I am, but I hope you're kind of understanding me. Imagine how incredible it would be if every Christian all over the world, no matter what their occupation woke up every morning excited to go to work because God has a mission for them. It's not about what I can do or how God can help me accomplish what I want to accomplish. It's about God ordaining me to be in this place, at this time for His glory and for His eternal kingdom. Crazy right...I mean this sermon series I'm listening to is rocking my world. It just seems like a concept that is so utterly lost in our society...enjoying going to work, working for more than a paycheck, making a difference in corporate America? What? So that is what I'm trying to do today, this week, and hopefully everyday for the rest of my life.
So how do we know what our mission is, we go to God of course. Right now my mission is my kids. Maybe eventually it will be my coworkers, but currently I'm too big of a chicken to actually talk openly about what my faith means to me, maybe if I can somehow reach the kids God will then give me the courage to talk to adults. So I'm trying to influence my kids with my idealism. In Korea things are very much about image and making money and marrying money and getting a good job and if you do all those things you will lead a happy life that is honoring to your parents. So basically it's a society that I completely disagree with. So I truly believe that my mission right now is to challenge my kids. To get them to see that there is so much more to life than going to a good university and putting all your time and effort into finding that perfect job that pays you a big fat salary. I'm trying to show my kids that there is a huge world out there, one so full of possibilities and opportunities. I'm trying to show my kids that helping others and getting outside of yourself is the thing that I have found to bring true joy and fulfillment. I'm trying to show my kids that there are bigger dreams than going to the U.S. or Canada, but that dreams can be anything you want. Your parents shouldn't dictate your dreams and you should hold onto your dreams as long as possible. In a culture where dreams and non-money inspired amibitions and helping others is kind of countercultural I struggle to see if I am having an impact. But there is no way I can know what my kids are or aren't taking away fron my class. And ultimately it doesn't matter. As long as I am doing what God has called me to, I know He will use it for his glory. If I can in some way in the twelve months I am here convince one single child that life is so much bigger and so much than Korea and the U.S.A than I will believe that my time here was worth it. Maybe that's making me an underachiever, but the fact that I just realized that I need to actually make a difference at work, 1 student is enough. One student is still a rather daunting task to me. Most days I have no idea whether I'm connecting to my students or not, whether they're taking anything away from what I'm teaching them and most days I feel like they have no desire to be there. And frankly I don't blame them. But maybe, I can make 1 or 2 students see that learning English, learning about the world, learning that money is something that is so fleeting and shallow and will ultimately not bring you the happiness you are looking for, is a lesson they can't find anywhere else and a lesson that could ultimately change their lives. So I'm sure I'm oversimplifying everything and I know it's not going to be that easy, but the fact that I have a purpose and a reason for working where I am that is ordained by God will make getting up on Monday morning a whole lot easier.
So I've been listening to sermons from my old church in Chicago. New Community Covenant Church, if you're ever in Chicago and need a church to go to I highly recommend it, it's amazing. Also, I've been reading books and the Bible and I think the overwhelming message being sent my way by the Almighty is to embrace the present. Stop thinking about all the things that we're great in the past or planning for all the exciting things I may do in the future. I need to focus on the here and now. I need to embrace and take advantage of where I am now and the mission God has for me now and here. So teaching the upper echelon of children, a subject they don't really want to learn, so they can continue to believe that money is the root of success and happiness is a far from ideal endeavor. But it's the endeavor I embarked on and it's the endeavor God allowed me to have right now.
So i'm working on leading a missional life, just because I'm not on the front lines in China or India or inner city Chicago, doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for me that is just was meaningful. So I'm trying to approach everyday, whether it be at work, or just hanging with friends as a mission for Jesus. I know it sounds cheesy and maybe even a little crazy. But I'm not talking about proselytizing to everyone I meet, but I am talking about showing people that there is a different bigger purpose to why I do my job, it's not just about making the money or just about making sure the kids learn English. It's about letting people, my students and my coworkers, know that I care about them and that I want to spend time with and that I do my work not for man but for God. Pastor Peter was able to say this a lot of eloquently than I am, but I hope you're kind of understanding me. Imagine how incredible it would be if every Christian all over the world, no matter what their occupation woke up every morning excited to go to work because God has a mission for them. It's not about what I can do or how God can help me accomplish what I want to accomplish. It's about God ordaining me to be in this place, at this time for His glory and for His eternal kingdom. Crazy right...I mean this sermon series I'm listening to is rocking my world. It just seems like a concept that is so utterly lost in our society...enjoying going to work, working for more than a paycheck, making a difference in corporate America? What? So that is what I'm trying to do today, this week, and hopefully everyday for the rest of my life.
So how do we know what our mission is, we go to God of course. Right now my mission is my kids. Maybe eventually it will be my coworkers, but currently I'm too big of a chicken to actually talk openly about what my faith means to me, maybe if I can somehow reach the kids God will then give me the courage to talk to adults. So I'm trying to influence my kids with my idealism. In Korea things are very much about image and making money and marrying money and getting a good job and if you do all those things you will lead a happy life that is honoring to your parents. So basically it's a society that I completely disagree with. So I truly believe that my mission right now is to challenge my kids. To get them to see that there is so much more to life than going to a good university and putting all your time and effort into finding that perfect job that pays you a big fat salary. I'm trying to show my kids that there is a huge world out there, one so full of possibilities and opportunities. I'm trying to show my kids that helping others and getting outside of yourself is the thing that I have found to bring true joy and fulfillment. I'm trying to show my kids that there are bigger dreams than going to the U.S. or Canada, but that dreams can be anything you want. Your parents shouldn't dictate your dreams and you should hold onto your dreams as long as possible. In a culture where dreams and non-money inspired amibitions and helping others is kind of countercultural I struggle to see if I am having an impact. But there is no way I can know what my kids are or aren't taking away fron my class. And ultimately it doesn't matter. As long as I am doing what God has called me to, I know He will use it for his glory. If I can in some way in the twelve months I am here convince one single child that life is so much bigger and so much than Korea and the U.S.A than I will believe that my time here was worth it. Maybe that's making me an underachiever, but the fact that I just realized that I need to actually make a difference at work, 1 student is enough. One student is still a rather daunting task to me. Most days I have no idea whether I'm connecting to my students or not, whether they're taking anything away from what I'm teaching them and most days I feel like they have no desire to be there. And frankly I don't blame them. But maybe, I can make 1 or 2 students see that learning English, learning about the world, learning that money is something that is so fleeting and shallow and will ultimately not bring you the happiness you are looking for, is a lesson they can't find anywhere else and a lesson that could ultimately change their lives. So I'm sure I'm oversimplifying everything and I know it's not going to be that easy, but the fact that I have a purpose and a reason for working where I am that is ordained by God will make getting up on Monday morning a whole lot easier.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Korea, Challenges, and God
Ok so I'm trying to be more consistent. Writing and sharing my feelings, while incredibly therapeutic for me is not something that comes easily.
So I would just like to clarify a few things from my last post. I made some blanket statements and that was wrong of me. I can't just say things without supporting why I said them. I don't hate Korea...hating an entire country is a little drastic and something I would warn anyone against doing. What do you mean when you say you hate a country, an entire country? Do you hate the people in the country? Do you hate the government of the country? Do you hate the culture or the practices of the country? There has to be something specific you hate about the country, you can't hate an entire country based on a few things you know or a few things you have experienced without that country. Which is just one of the many reasons I don't hate Korea.
Korea has just turned out to be a...disappointment. Not that I had huge expectations to begin with. I mean when I told people I was going to Korea the typical response was "Why?" And I can't blame them, I asked myself that very question a dozen times before coming here and a few dozens since being here. Korea lacks a certain allure that other countries possess. It doesn't have the technology and innovation that Japan has. It lacks the culture of China. And it's too advanced economically to be exciting and challenging like Thailand. Not that Korea has nothing to offer, it has it's own culture and history and innovation, it's just on a lesser scale.
I guess at the end of the day Korea simply lacks originality. The thing that is most frustrating for me about Korea is that it's too similar to home. I went half way around the world for adventure and challenge and something new and exciting. Korea is not the challenge I was looking for. It's comfortable, it's easy, it's normal. And maybe that's just the way life is once you've lived in a place to a certain length of time. It becomes mundane...no matter where you are. And I'm not saying Korea doesn't have it's difficulties and that I don't have a ton more to learn. But at this point it seems like I came half way around the world looking for adventure and what I got was the mundane, except in this chapter of my story the mundane lacks the people I love the most, which the mundane, the boring, the everyday, the feeling like you're not making any difference, a lot more difficult to bear.
So that's what I'm most frustrated about in Korea. The fact that I'm ten thousand miles away from everyone and I'm doing something that I could have done at home. And I know I'm being challenged...but there comes a point where you have enough of being alone. I have friends here and I have people i can talk to, but it's not the same. There are people back home who know me, who understand me. But I do hope and pray that the decision to come to Korea was not the wrong one. I think God is trying to get me to rely more on Him, but I'm too stubborn or stupid to just do it. First I'm going to bang my head against the wall numerous times and if that doesn't work I'm going to try things my way and maybe if that doesn't work I'll ask God for His help. Or maybe I'll save myself the pain and ask for His help now, because clearly I am doing something wrong and I desperately need a change. So maybe God is the answer to my loneliness. He's our everything right? So if that's true than he can be my best friend and my mentor and my father and my mother when those things are an ocean away. There's a reason for everything and maybe my reason for coming to Korea was to renew my relationship with Him and figure out how much I'm willing to fight to sustain that relationship. I guess we'll have to wait and see...
So I would just like to clarify a few things from my last post. I made some blanket statements and that was wrong of me. I can't just say things without supporting why I said them. I don't hate Korea...hating an entire country is a little drastic and something I would warn anyone against doing. What do you mean when you say you hate a country, an entire country? Do you hate the people in the country? Do you hate the government of the country? Do you hate the culture or the practices of the country? There has to be something specific you hate about the country, you can't hate an entire country based on a few things you know or a few things you have experienced without that country. Which is just one of the many reasons I don't hate Korea.
Korea has just turned out to be a...disappointment. Not that I had huge expectations to begin with. I mean when I told people I was going to Korea the typical response was "Why?" And I can't blame them, I asked myself that very question a dozen times before coming here and a few dozens since being here. Korea lacks a certain allure that other countries possess. It doesn't have the technology and innovation that Japan has. It lacks the culture of China. And it's too advanced economically to be exciting and challenging like Thailand. Not that Korea has nothing to offer, it has it's own culture and history and innovation, it's just on a lesser scale.
I guess at the end of the day Korea simply lacks originality. The thing that is most frustrating for me about Korea is that it's too similar to home. I went half way around the world for adventure and challenge and something new and exciting. Korea is not the challenge I was looking for. It's comfortable, it's easy, it's normal. And maybe that's just the way life is once you've lived in a place to a certain length of time. It becomes mundane...no matter where you are. And I'm not saying Korea doesn't have it's difficulties and that I don't have a ton more to learn. But at this point it seems like I came half way around the world looking for adventure and what I got was the mundane, except in this chapter of my story the mundane lacks the people I love the most, which the mundane, the boring, the everyday, the feeling like you're not making any difference, a lot more difficult to bear.
So that's what I'm most frustrated about in Korea. The fact that I'm ten thousand miles away from everyone and I'm doing something that I could have done at home. And I know I'm being challenged...but there comes a point where you have enough of being alone. I have friends here and I have people i can talk to, but it's not the same. There are people back home who know me, who understand me. But I do hope and pray that the decision to come to Korea was not the wrong one. I think God is trying to get me to rely more on Him, but I'm too stubborn or stupid to just do it. First I'm going to bang my head against the wall numerous times and if that doesn't work I'm going to try things my way and maybe if that doesn't work I'll ask God for His help. Or maybe I'll save myself the pain and ask for His help now, because clearly I am doing something wrong and I desperately need a change. So maybe God is the answer to my loneliness. He's our everything right? So if that's true than he can be my best friend and my mentor and my father and my mother when those things are an ocean away. There's a reason for everything and maybe my reason for coming to Korea was to renew my relationship with Him and figure out how much I'm willing to fight to sustain that relationship. I guess we'll have to wait and see...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Fighting Discontentment
Ok so I officially suck at this. My aspirations to be consistent are once again thwarted. Such is life.
Well since I only write about once a month it means I have a lot to write about.
So I went home for Christmas. While it was an amazing time and a much needed reprieve from Korea, it was also incredibly difficult. It was and is difficult to the point that I think it may have been a mistake. I went home thinking it would be just the kind of refresher I would need to get through the next eight months, but it reality it seemed to just remind me of all the things that have changed and all the things I have missed since being away. I'm beginning to realize how much I miss the USA (something my parents are thrilled about). It's just the little things like going to Target and ordering a Starbucks just the way I like it. It's stupid, shallow things like that are a constant reminder that things are so incredibly different now then they were six months ago, or even a month ago, because now I'm discontent with the change whereas before it was a change that was exciting and new and challenging. It's things like that that cause me to question if this year abroad is worth all the things I'm missing out on.
I know I'm being melodramatic. It's only a year. It's not like I'm in war torn Iraq or Afghanistan. Everything and everyone will be there when I return, but after being home for a week with my friends and family and coming back to my empty studio apartment, to a job that is more or less "bearable" in a country that has lost it's excitement and has turned out to be rather...boring (no offense intended) seems a little too much to bear. So I've decided that the best thing for me to do to get out of this slump is to count my blessings. I know it's totally cliche and maybe even a little lame, but frankly I don't really know what else to do. I'm a bitter emotional wreck and I'm hoping looking at the positive things in my life will hopefully give me a little much needed perspective.
Blessings:
A God that sees me every move and knows my struggles
Family and friends back home who love and are praying for me and who haven't forgotten about me
An apt that's paid for
A relatively well-paid job that will look good on a resume
A new church where I can get involved
A challenging experience, both professionally and personally that will hopefully cause me to grow
New friends
The internet, so I can stay connected to people all over the world
TVshack.net, so I can escape this world with a few episodes of greys anatomy if I need to
Having sheets on my bed after four months without them
Okay so there are a ton of other things I am thankful for and I am so blessed in so many ways, but those are the ones that stick out to me currently. These are the ones that are keeping me grounded in this time of "crisis, fear, and uncertainty." I put quotes because terms like crisis do not seem appropriate to my situation when people who are starving or dying or in the middle of war and disease are the ones in real crisis. People who like with injustices and lack of basic human rights are the ones in real crisis. So I am very aware that I have no right to use that term to describe my situation as I sit in my comfortable apartment. But when things go wrong, or just differently than you planned, in your own life it's hard to see beyond that. But I know this is a phase and things will turn out the way they are supposed to. So thanks for listening to my ramblings.
I promise my next blog will be more upbeat, hopefully it won't take another month to write it.
Well since I only write about once a month it means I have a lot to write about.
So I went home for Christmas. While it was an amazing time and a much needed reprieve from Korea, it was also incredibly difficult. It was and is difficult to the point that I think it may have been a mistake. I went home thinking it would be just the kind of refresher I would need to get through the next eight months, but it reality it seemed to just remind me of all the things that have changed and all the things I have missed since being away. I'm beginning to realize how much I miss the USA (something my parents are thrilled about). It's just the little things like going to Target and ordering a Starbucks just the way I like it. It's stupid, shallow things like that are a constant reminder that things are so incredibly different now then they were six months ago, or even a month ago, because now I'm discontent with the change whereas before it was a change that was exciting and new and challenging. It's things like that that cause me to question if this year abroad is worth all the things I'm missing out on.
I know I'm being melodramatic. It's only a year. It's not like I'm in war torn Iraq or Afghanistan. Everything and everyone will be there when I return, but after being home for a week with my friends and family and coming back to my empty studio apartment, to a job that is more or less "bearable" in a country that has lost it's excitement and has turned out to be rather...boring (no offense intended) seems a little too much to bear. So I've decided that the best thing for me to do to get out of this slump is to count my blessings. I know it's totally cliche and maybe even a little lame, but frankly I don't really know what else to do. I'm a bitter emotional wreck and I'm hoping looking at the positive things in my life will hopefully give me a little much needed perspective.
Blessings:
A God that sees me every move and knows my struggles
Family and friends back home who love and are praying for me and who haven't forgotten about me
An apt that's paid for
A relatively well-paid job that will look good on a resume
A new church where I can get involved
A challenging experience, both professionally and personally that will hopefully cause me to grow
New friends
The internet, so I can stay connected to people all over the world
TVshack.net, so I can escape this world with a few episodes of greys anatomy if I need to
Having sheets on my bed after four months without them
Okay so there are a ton of other things I am thankful for and I am so blessed in so many ways, but those are the ones that stick out to me currently. These are the ones that are keeping me grounded in this time of "crisis, fear, and uncertainty." I put quotes because terms like crisis do not seem appropriate to my situation when people who are starving or dying or in the middle of war and disease are the ones in real crisis. People who like with injustices and lack of basic human rights are the ones in real crisis. So I am very aware that I have no right to use that term to describe my situation as I sit in my comfortable apartment. But when things go wrong, or just differently than you planned, in your own life it's hard to see beyond that. But I know this is a phase and things will turn out the way they are supposed to. So thanks for listening to my ramblings.
I promise my next blog will be more upbeat, hopefully it won't take another month to write it.
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